Too much?

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about our plans for Bean #2 here.  I’ve had my posts on It’s Conceivable about our baby efforts but I’ve mostly stayed off topic here.  I started thinking about why that is earlier this week.  You know me: I’ll talk about anything.

For hours.

Without fail.

It’s an illness.

I think what I’ve realized is that things have gotten really heavy for me and I haven’t done a great job of communicating with the hubs about how I’m feeling.

Jer and I have spent the past couple days focusing on where we’re at with Bean #2, how we’re feeling, where we want to go and just talking about everything that enters our minds.

The reality of being gay and starting a family is that this shit is HARD.

On top of all of the normal emotions, hurdles and whatnot that prospective parents face, LGBT parents are forced to deal with intolerance (unwelcoming adoption agencies, unwelcoming countries with same-sex adoptions, biased social workers, biased judges), complicated legalities that have to be carefully navigated (in most states both parents can’t be on the birth certificate so only one parent is the actual legal guardian) and massive additional expenses (completing a guardianship for the parent not on the birth certificate, completing wills, etc.) that aren’t part of the typical heterosexual parenting experience.

I think that, without really admitting it to myself, I’ve been feeling really discouraged lately.  We had a couple of promising situations arise and then quickly fall through.  With Bean #1, everything aligned perfectly.  Before we knew it he was baking and we were racing towards the finish line. But this time has been completely different.  This go round has been a combo of anxiety, stress, frustration, disappointment and sadness.

And then it happens.  I reach the point where I ask why we’re even doing this to ourselves.

The Bean holding my finger when he was 8 minutes old.

That pretty much sums it up.

I can’t explain what being a parent feels like.  I’m a very analytical person.  I rationalize everything, plan time to make plans and color-code my sock drawer.  On paper being a father is the worst idea ever for me and I know that.  You introduce these little balls of chaos into your life and then they run amuck.  They throw up on everything, they take off their clothes for NO. GOOD. REASON. in public,  they put everything into their mouthes, they constantly need attention, they pee in your shoes, they believe that car keys belong in the toilet, they are walking petri dishes, covered in diseases and infestations.

Being a parent is hard.  It’s stressful, expensive and it’s draining at times.  Sort of like the process of having a child.  There are days when I question whether or not it’s all worth it to have another tot or if it’s too much.

And then Bean stops playing, leans over to kiss me and goes right back to what he was doing.  And, at that very moment, I know it’s all worth it.  Every bit of the work to have a family, every ounce of effort to raise our children.  Totally, one meeeeellion percent worth it.

Even though, on paper, having the chaotic, poop, germ-filled experience of being a father seems to go against everything I am, the reality is that being a father IS who I am.  More than anything else, I’ve wanted to be a father my entire life.  And becoming a Daddy has helped me fully realize the man I am and the man I want to be.  No amount of temporary stress, anxiety or heartbreak could outweigh the joys of parenthood.

So, its on, baby.