Left out

After posting Eric Himan’s Protest Song a little while back, I started rotating through his CDs again and listening to them constantly. That’s when I realized that I’d never really gotten to know his latest release, Supposed Unknown. It’s another great album from a really talented (and nice) guy. But one song instantly spoke to me.

Here are the lyrics:

This whole night
I’ve been wishing
You would meet me at the table
and you could listen

Been finding it hard
to banish thoughts of resistance
when we speak with reckless words
with out any omission

And I bet you think I’m crazy
For leading you into doubt
And I’m struggling to show you
that in this love, I feel left out

I visit pictures of us
Like they were in a museum
And I reminisce alone
Tell me, can you still see them

And remember our first Christmas
When we bought our first tree
And the gift I wanted most
Was the one that I received

And I bet you think I’m crazy
For leading you into doubt
And I’m struggling to show you
that in this love, I feel left out

And sometimes I get so angry
I start planning my escape
And the thought of starting over
Makes me think it is too late

And I feel I cannot move
With this weighing on my love
And my heart it gets so heavy
That it hurts to lift it up

And I bet you think I’m crazy
For leading you into doubt
And I’m struggling to show you
that in this love, I feel left out

And I bet you think I’m crazy….

Prior to meeting Jer, I was in a long term relationships that began really well but quickly turned bad. There were a lot of unhealthy issues in the relationship that made it impossible for it to work, but I was young, innocent, stupid and I let it go on a lot longer than I should have. Some of the issues were mine and some were my ex’s. It was the first long term relationship I had been in, I was a kid (19 at the time) and I didn’t have any clue who I was or what I needed in a spouse. Don’t get me wrong – I think the world of my ex and he’s an incredible person who had a profound impact on shaping the man I am today. I would never have been capable of maintaining a healthy, loving marriage with Jeremy if I hadn’t been in that situation and learned so much. But it was never the right fit for either of us and we both ignored that fact for too long.

This song really speaks to me because, in that situation, I always felt like I wasn’t factored into the relationship or our life together. My ex had a strong personality and was very much in charge. When we met, I needed that. I was lost and I had no clue what being gay meant. He took charge and helped me learn about being responsible, thinking logically and not based on emotion (my family does everything based on emotion); he just helped me grow up and gave me the support I needed to do so. But, when I finally did grow up, I was smothered in the relationship. I no longer needed guidance and I need to be treated as an equal. I needed to be part of decisions, to be respected as a man to be factored into things. In the end, we could never get to that place (through my own faults and through his).

Hearing this song transports me back to the end of our relationship. To the desperate hunger to fix things. To the desire to make it work at almost any cost. I could never imagine my life without him or how I’d handle being on my own again. It reminds me of the devastating heartbreak I felt when things finally ended for good. It evokes so much emotion that it’s difficult to listen to.

But the song ends and I remember where I am today. And I am thankful for my ex. I am a stronger, happier man than I have ever been because I have the tools now to be a better spouse. I also know what I need from Jeremy to be happy and what I’m willing to give to make him happy. I blessed beyond measure with a husband who accepts me (flaws and all), who supports me and who gives me room to breathe and grow. He’s also pretty freaking hot. And, together, we have a son who is intelligent, funny, loving and intelligent (I said it twice cause it’s super true).

Sometimes you need provocation to be drawn into your memories – to remember the pain of yesteryear. It’s only then that you stop and take a minute to be appreciative of today and be humbled by the blessings in your life.

Or maybe that’s just me.